My
tire was thumping. I thought it was
flat. When I looked at the tire...I noticed
your cat. Sorry!
Heard
your wife left you, How upset
you must be. But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
Looking
back over the years that
we've been together, I can't help but
wonder? What the fuck was I thinking?
Congratulations
on your wedding day...
too bad no one likes your husband.
How
could two people as beautiful as
you... have such an ugly baby?
I've
always wanted to have someone
to hold, someone to love. After having met
you... I've changed my mind.
I
must admit, you brought religion into
my life... I never believed in Hell till I met you.
Congratulations
on your promotion.
Before you go... would you like to take
this knife out of my back? You'll probably
need it again.
Happy
birthday! You look great for your age...
almost lifelike!
When
we were together, you always said
you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
We
have been friends for a very long
time... what say we stop?
Congratulations
on your new bundle of joy...
did you ever find out who the father was?
Your
friends and I wanted to do something
special for your birthday... so we're having
you put to sleep.
Happy
Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only
in Tennessee, Kentucky and West Virginia)
---------------------------------------
Ancient Chinese Proverbs
---------------------------------------
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Foolish
man give wife grand piano, wise man
give wife upright organ.
Man
who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Panties
not best thing on earth but next to
best thing on earth.
War
does not determine who is right, war
determine who is left.
Wife
who put husband in doghouse soon find
him in cat house.
It
take many nails to build crib, but one
screw to fill it.
Man
who fart in church sit in own pew.
------------------------------------------------
10 Signs that You Might be Gay
------------------------------------------------
- You blow every paycheck on gerbils.
-
You get offended by the word "Fruit Loops."
-
Your fantasies include prison showers and dropped soap.
-
Anyone mentions "The Village People" and you think of
your neighbors.
- Your nickname is "Homo."
-
Your friends want to kill Richard Simmons, you'd rather spank him.
- You know over 10 people named Bruce.
-
There's always a "queer" taste in your mouth.
-
You wake up each morning and scratch someone
else's balls.
----------------------------------
Whore House Slogans
----------------------------------
1. More Fuck for your Buck!
2. More Honey for your Money!
3. More Gash for your Cash!
4. More Hole for your Pole!
5. More Head for your Bread!
6. More Booty for your Looty!
7. More Strange for your Change!
8. She'll Wear a Collar for a Dollar!
9. Will suck for a buck!
-------------------------------------------------
ITEMS ON A STRIP CLUB MENU
-------------------------------------------------
G-String Beans
New
England Man-Chowder
(made fresh daily in the VIP room)
Silicon-Stuffed
Breast of Chicken
Poached
Salmon with a Lemon-Dildo Sauce
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The Top 12 Cartoon Character Pick-Up Lines
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Wimpy -- "I'd gladly pay you Tuesday for a hummer today."
Foghorn
Leghorn -- "Ah say, boy, ah say, you've got it all
wrong. Those little chickens you've been chasing around
are roosters. What you want is a big ol' hen, like me."
Bart
Simpson -- "Eat my shorts, ma'am!"
Batman
-- "Wanna help to dispel those nasty rumors about me
and the Boy Wonder?"
Speedy
Gonzales -- "Senorita, it's just a nickname!"
Pepe
LePew -- "But, mon cherie -- I don't smell any worse
than anyone else in France."
Ross
Perot -- "I'm worth $4 billion."
Porky
Pig -- "L-L-Let's go back to my place and
f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fu-f-f-fu... hump."
Popeye
-- "I'm strong to the finish 'cause I takes Viagra!"
Pinocchio
-- "Hey, I *am* a woody!"
Underdog
-- "My heart is for you, my Polly, dear; You are
pure and true, can I sniff your rear?"
Tweety
Bird -- "I wuuuv to eat putty!"
------------------------------------------------
EXCUSES TO GET OUT OF HAVING SEX
------------------------------------------------
I'd love to honey, but I just banged your sister.
We're
out of paper bags for your head again.
You
haven't shaved in so long I'm afraid I'd feel
I was making love to Big Foot.
I
used my last sponge for the dishes.
Sorry,
this isn't a conjugal visit.
I
can't tonight honey, I spent myself earlier
watching all those porno's.
Only
if you put on this wig and act like a
Chinese hooker.
Your
gynecologist just called. You still have
crabs, and you know I don't like seafood.
Before
we get started I'd like to run down
and buy some handcuffs.
I
know it's unusual but sometimes a period
does last a month!
I'm
all out of condoms but I suppose I can
find one we already used.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP 10 REASONS WHY CYBER SEX IS BETTER
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
10.If the date goes bad, changing your Screen
Name is easier then changing your real name.
9.Bathing,
dressing, supplying atmosphere is optional.
8.If
you get drunk and blackout, you only wake
up next to a keyboard.
7.You
can exercise your offensive habits without
embarrassing yourself.
6.Viagra!
Who needs Viagra?
5.Your
partner could have more of a personality
than your inflatable friends.
4.Three
words: No shotgun weddings.
3.All
guys look like George Clooney and
all women like Pamela Anderson.
2.They
never have to know you live in your
parents basement.
1.
If you catch a virus, only your computer dies.
----------------------------------------
If Women Ruled The Earth
----------------------------------------
Women could have an "affair" and humiliate the man!
All
male delivery guys would have a strict dresscode: Bikini briefs
only!
Toilet
seats would be spring loaded so they would always be down
Paychecks
would be made out to the wife
The
remote would always be at her chair
It
would be mandatory for all men to ask for directions if they
have never been to a place!!
Soap
Operas would NEVER be cancelled/delayed for Wimbledum or any other
sporting event!
Weekend
afternoons would have movies on TV INSTEAD of golf,racing, basketball,
etc.!
Men
would be required to wear a feminine pad whenever their wives/girlfriends
got their "monthly" visitor!
Men
would be required to pee INSIDE the toilet; not around thetoilet!
Penalty would be the same as the dog who goes inside a house:
RUB HIS NOSE IN IT!!!!
Automatic
3-day PMS leave. A win-win situation
"Mom-Spit"
would be marketed as the next all purpose cleaner.
Women's
public bathrooms would have 100 stalls so lines would be equal
for men and women. Unfortunately, men's rooms would have to be
as nasty as women's
There
would be toilets just for men, with a bowl as big as a
bath tub (and self cleaning)