Bartender Jokes

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A termite walked into a bar and said: "Is the bar tender here?"

A guy walked into a bar carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He put them down on a stool and said to the bartender: "I'll have a Scotch and soda." and the crocodile added: "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour." The bartender was amazed, "That's incredible," he gasped, "I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!" "He can't," said the guy. "The chicken's a ventriloquist"

A man walked into a bar. Ow! It was an iron bar.

Celine Dion walked into a bar. "Why the long face?" said the bartender.

A customer walked into a bar and started dialling numbers on his hand as if  it were a phone. The bartender looked at him warily, "Look," warned the bartender, "I don't know what you're up to, but this is a tough neighbourhood and I don't want any trouble." The customer said: "I'm not out to cause trouble, I promise. Let me explain. I'm very hi-tech and I had a phone installed in my hand because I got tired of carrying around my mobile." The bartender looked at him as if he were a crank, "I don't believe a word of it." "OK," said the customer, "I'll prove it to you," And he pressed the digits on his hand, held his wrist up to his ear and began conducting a conversation. Then he gave his hand to the bartender and, to the bartender's amazement, he could hear a voice coming through the hand."That's incredible," said the bartender at the end of the call. "I was able to talk to someone through your hand." "It's ingenious," said the customer. "It means I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, anyone, without needing a conventional phone. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directed him down the corridor to the toilets but began to get a bit worried when the customer hadn't returned 20 minutes later. Knowing of the reputation of the neighbourhood, he thought he'd better go and check that he was all right. On opening the door, he found the customer spreadeagled against the wall, with his pants down and a roll of toilet paper rammed up his butt. "Oh God," exclaimed the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" "No, I'm fine," answered the customer. "I'm just waiting for a fax."

Two hamburgers walked into a bar. The bartender said: "Sorry, we don't serve food."

A snail slid into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender said: "Get out, you're a snail." And he picked up the snail, threw him out of the door and across the street." Eleven months later, while collecting glasses, the bartender felt a tap at his
ankle. The snail said: "What the'hell did you do that for?"

A guy walked into a bar and said to the bartender: "I've got this great Polish joke." The bartender glared at him and warned him: "Before you go telling that joke, I I think you ought to know that I'm Polish, the two bouncers on the door are Polish and most of my customers are Polish." "OK," said the guy. "I'll tell it slowly."

A skeleton walked into a bar and said: "I'll have a Budweiser and a mop, please."

A guy walked into a bar. The bartender said: "You've got a steering wheel down your pants.""Yeah, I know," said the guy. "It's driving me nuts!"

A smartly dressed man entered a plush Manhattan bar and took a seat. The bartender came over and asked: "What can I get you to drink, sir?""Nothing, thank you," replied the man. "I tried alcohol once but I didn't like it,and I haven't drunk it since." The bartender was a little perplexed but being a friendly, outgoing sort, he pulled out some cigarettes from his pocket, flipped the top of the pack and offered one to the man. But the man refused, saying: "I tried smoking once, didn't like it, and I have never smoked since. Look, actually, I wouldn't be in here at all, except that I'm waiting for my son." To which the bartender said: "Your only child, I presume?"

A man went into a bar and ordered a succession of Martinis. After each one, he removed the olive and put it into a jar. After two hours, the bartender felt compelled to ask: "Why do you keep doing that?" "Because," slurred the man, "my wife sent me out for a jar of olives."

A man walked into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm. He said: "I'll have a beer please, and one for the road."

A grasshopper walked into a bar. The bartender said: "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper said: "You have a drink named Marlon?"

A vagrant walked into a bar and was told by the bartender to get out "All right," said the vagrant, "If you give me a cocktail stick, I'll leave." So the bartender handed him a cocktail stick and he left. Two minutes later, another vagrant came in. Again, the bartender ordered him to leave. "Very well," said the vagrant, "Give me a cocktail stick and I'll go." . So the bartender handed him a cocktail stick and he left. Two minutes later, a third vagrant entered the bar. The bartender immediately offered him a cocktail stick to leave "don't want a cocktail stick," said the vagrant. "I want a straw. Give me a straw and I'll go."  The bartender was puzzled. "How come you want a straw when the other two wanted cocktail sticks?" "Well," said the vagrant, "someone's been sick outside and now all the lumpy bits have gone."

A man was sitting quietly at the bar when the bartender presented him with a riddle. "My mother had a child. It wasn't my brother, and it wasn't my sister. Who was it?" The man thought for a minute but then gave up. "It was me, you idiot!" exclaimed the bartender triumphantly. The man thought it was a good trick and decided to play it on his wife when he got home. He announced: "My mother had a child. It wasn't my brother, and it wasn't my sister. Who was it?"His wife looked at him blankly and gave up.
"It was Sid at the Wagon and Horses, you idiot!"

A little pig walked into a bar, ordered a drink and asked where the toilet was. "Just along the corridor," said the bartender. Then a second little pig walked into the bar, ordered a drink and asked where the toilet was. "Just along the corridor," said the bartender. Then a third little pig walked into the bar and ordered a drink. The bartender said:"I suppose you want to use the toilet too?" "No, I'm the little pig that goes wee wee wee wee all the way home."

A sheriff walked into a bar and said: "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake? He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants and a brown paper jacket?" The bartender said: "What's he wanted for?" "Rustlin'."
  

A baby seal walked into a bar and sat down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender. The baby seal said: "Anything but a Canadian Club."

A guy walked into a bar and ordered a double scotch, bourbon on the rocks and a triple vodka. He said to the bartender: "I shouldn't be drinking this with what I've got." "Why, what have you got?" Thirty cents."

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